Returning To School

Last year I had two surgeries including a debulking and a cryoablation which made me take a full year off of school at UNH and although I'm still in a decent amount of pain, I am back to school for the spring semester before my next cryoablation in the summer. I mentioned in a previous post titled "Compromising Physical Health for Emotional Health & Cryo Update" how I was worried that trying to go back to school would compromise my physical health. I'm taking the risk to continue working on my degree and moving towards my goals. School, especially college, takes a lot of energy and brings upon a lot of stress. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about what will happen this semester.

Fall semester 2013 I found out that the FAVA grew back and I was in incredible amounts of pain. I was taking four classes totaling 16 credits and ended up dropping a class. I became instantly discouraged when my body stopped letting me get out of bed in the morning. I would lay there in pain for hours and not be able to move my legs. It was hard for everyone in my dorm to understand what I was going through but I physically couldn't go to class anymore. I made plans to have my debulking surgery during winter break and I only ended up finishing one class that semester. The other two classes I took "incompletes" which meant that they would extend my deadlines until I felt like I could finish them. Thankfully my dean worked with me to get all the resources I needed. Physically, mentally, and emotionally I slowly began to fall apart. Hopelessness ran through my veins and I had an incredibly hard time staying social and hopeful. The pain was unbearable and my anxiety and stress increased drastically.

I know that I still have untreated FAVA lesions in my thigh and I'm aware that I'm taking a huge risk (pain-wise) to continue to take classes before another procedure. Fortunately, I'm not putting myself at a health risk waiting. My degree is so incredibly important to me and I'm NOT willing to give up my dreams, hobbies, or talents in lieu of this illness. I understand that sometimes I'll have to set boundaries or limitations on things in order to physically succeed but my will-power to mentally succeed is too high to not try. I'm honestly petrified that my body will fail on me and not let me walk or sit through class this semester like it did the last time I was here at school. However this time I'm starting out with a different outlook and I'm not going to try to be superwoman and do things I know my body can't handle.  I'm constantly learning about what I can and can not handle mentally and physically and am learning that it is a long process and not just something you can learn quickly. I believe that there is strength, courage and bravery behind everyone with a chronic illness and you need to discover it in order to grow.

Henry David Thoreau stated  "As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives." With a deep physical path along with a deep mental path of pushing through the struggles that I will continue to face with FAVA, I believe I can make my way through school and any other obstacle. But I know this mindset has to be used over and over again in order for me to grow.

 Strength. Courage. Bravery. Determination. Perseverance. I am a warrior and so are you.