Sciatic Pain - What Gain?

Within the last week I've had two episodes of what I believe is sciatic pain.  Since I no longer have the gluteus maximus muscle, my doctors assumed that I'd experience sciatic pain due to the lack of padding protecting the sciatic nerve. Because of this reason I've had an amazing plastic surgeon at Children's, Dr. Greene, put in a lot of cadaver skin twice to not only "fill the void" from where the muscle was, but to protect the sciatic nerve from getting damaged. Before I had the muscle removed, I experienced sciatic pain often. I believe that since the muscle was dead and hard like a rock, that it would occasionally push against the nerve causing pain. Since I had the muscle removed for almost 4 years now, I've rarely had sciatic pain which has been a blessing. The reason why I believe this pain is stemming from the sciatic nerve is because the pain can be shooting down the top of my hip through the buttock and occasionally right behind the knee. If it isn't a shooting pain, it can be a throbbing, stabbing pain different from the pain I usually have daily from the FAVA lesions. The pain also isn't running through the FAVA lesions. I noticed that I usually get the pain while sitting for a decently long period of time so I've made an effort to avoid doing so but it hasn't helped all that much.

Yesterday I woke up in a great deal of pain and each step I took was more painful than the last. As much as my mind was telling me not to, my body was telling me that I needed to use the cane all day. The small amount of weight bearing that was replaced by the cane really helped me. However, like I mentioned in my Walking Without Shame post, the emotional toll of using the cane can be worse than the physical benefits at times. I felt like I was taking a step backwards in my health.  So whenever I'm in extreme pain or feel like the world is crashing down on me, I tend to write down how I'm feeling in hopes that maybe it will turn into a good blog post. What I've noticed when my mind is back to "normal" is that these thoughts during the pain episodes can be very detrimental to my over-all well being. "What if's" and blame flood my mind.

Sunday night I wrote this:

"Now I'm in pain and it seems like it completely consumes me, who I am and what I am able to do. I automatically think that I've failed because there are very few things that I can do to help my pain and I've missed out on one for over a week now - yoga.

The pain consumes my body and my thoughts. I get stabbing pains that dig into me like knives and intense throbbing pains that seem to pulse throughout my butt and thigh. I automatically go to the one thing that instantly relieves my pain right now and numbs the area - bengay cream. For some reason it works and before my anxiety gets out of control and I start to panic, I instantly grab the bengay. It numbs the area so it feels like dull pins and needles instead of deep, pulsing pain that radiates through my butt and thigh while consuming my mind. My heart races because I start to panic, "not now" I plead. "Why me?" I always ask. Once I start to get pain relief, my mind begins to calm and settle and my heart stops racing. It is the light at the end of the tunnel. But what if the bengay stops working? What if one day it doesn't help anymore? What will I do and how will I cope? "

Compared to how I used to think when I was in pain, I know I have come a long way in the right direction. However, I still feel as if my thoughts are still at times detrimental to my over-all health. I start to blame myself for the reasons why I'm in pain as if I'm responsible and tell myself that it is "my fault" that I'm in pain. I search for reasons how I can blame myself instead of accepting the good things that I've done for my pain instead. I hope to change the way I think so instead of focusing how bad the pain makes my life, I can focus on how far I've came in terms of my pain and what lessons I have gained from having chronic pain. I feel like it is easier to focus on the bad things in life. I already know how much harder the pain makes my life for the worse, but why dwell on it and make myself feel worse? This is a mindset I hope to be working on to help my pain.

Demi Lovato's song Skyscraper reminds me of this mindset that I hope to achieve. I like to use music to influence my feelings and actions at times and when she refers to this thing or person who is trying to bring her down, I associate this thing as my FAVA. I use this song to remind myself that it will continue to try to bring me down but I have the strength to rise from the ground like a skyscraper.

Skies are crying
I am watching
Catching teardrops in my hands
Only silence, as it's ending, like we never had a chance
Do you have to, make me feel like there's nothing left of me?

[Chorus]
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

As the smoke clears
I awaken, and untangle you from me
Would it make you, feel better to watch me while I bleed?
All my windows, still are broken
But I'm standing on my feet
...
Go run, run, run
I'm gonna stay right here
Watch you disappear, yeah
Go run, run, run
Yeah it's a long way down
But I am closer to the clouds up here
...

Pasted from: Demi Lovato - Skyscraper Lyrics | MetroLyrics