Walking Without Shame

Before any of my procedures I always try to spend as much time as I can out and about since I know I’ll be stuck inside either the hospital or a house for who knows how long. But when I’m out, I make sure to embrace the feeling of blending in. There’s a sense of comfort in blending in sometimes. I feel like one shouldn’t always blend in and that everyone should take the path less traveled a few times in their lifetime but sometimes blending in can be comforting. Embracing the fact that you are one of billions of people and that sometimes you can walk by a person and they won’t even notice that you’re there. Yes we do need attention by others but this is something I spend time thinking about before my operation because this sense of blending dissipates after my surgeries.

Because of the location of my FAVA, I generally need to use a walking device for a period of time after my surgeries in order for a fast recovery. Most of the time my recovery involves a wheelchair and two crutches, then later one crutch, and then finally I move on to a cane/walking stick. Although the cane is the last stretch of my recovery and I should be happy about using it, it makes me very uncomfortable in public. This sense of blending in is immediately gone when people see me, a young girl, using a cane. Generally society is used to seeing an older person using a cane and this is “normal” and causes no extra attention. However when people see me using one, this “normal” device suddenly turns “abnormal”. The stares never stop and after they look, they immediately look to the person beside them and say something. I’m not saying that every time someone talks after making eye-contact with me that they are always talking about me. However I do notice multiple glares afterwards and I’ve also heard people talk about it.

I used to have a lot of anxiety when I went out in public using my cane or wheelchair. I’ve used my cane after three surgeries now and I know it helps ease my recovery. The anxiety gets better after each time I need to use my cane but I can’t say that it’s not there. Before I go out, I always have to make sure that I look nice – my hair and makeup always has to be done and I have to have a nice outfit on with matching accessories. Why? Because there are so many more eyes on me and I get so uncomfortable. But what I find interesting is that I have no problem standing up in class and saying something when I’m not as “put together” when I know there are plenty of eyes on me without the cane.

The first week or two on the cane is surprisingly the easiest for me because although I stand out, I handle it better because I know that I absolutely NEED the cane. No if’s, and’s, or but’s. But the longer I use the cane, the more I feel like I shouldn’t need it anymore and that I can handle the pain without using it. I become sick of standing out EVERY time I go out in public. I start wanting to blend in again. Ultimately (if I’m aware of it or not), I stop using the cane and I start to suck up the pain. I know this is not right and that I shouldn’t feel this way. I feel like disability should be more accepting no matter what age. With clothes on my disability is invisible and people have a harder time figuring out why I’m using a cane when they can’t see what’s wrong. FAVA can sometimes be an invisible illness especially if it’s been treated.

Nobody should feel shame in using a walking device when it helps alleviate pain and discomfort but unfortunately in our society, it happens all the time. Since FAVA is practically in my butt, sitting in class or at a desk at work can be uncomfortable. There have been a countless number of times where I refused to bring pillows or blankets to sit on when I really needed to bring them. I didn’t want to be “that girl”. I didn’t want to stand out anymore. I was sick of it.

I’ve been questioned multiple times when I go out with the cane and while some experiences were good, I’ve had multiple bad experiences as well. I recently got confronted by an older woman at a funeral service asking me what happened while pointing to the cane. I politely told her about FAVA and about the procedure I had done. She was extremely empathetic and made sure I was alright throughout the entire service. I found it very kind and thoughtful of her asking. I wish all of my experiences were like that. I had a really hard time my senior year of high school dealing with two surgeries, having three jobs, maintaining friendships, and making up school work. One day I was out with some friends in an incredible amount of pain and we stopped at a gas station for gas. I went in to grab a snack of some sort and went to hold the door open for a middle-aged man probably in his 40’s. A pleasant thank you would have sufficed however his response was not so pleasant. I didn't receive a thank you for holding the door open for him and instead received a nasty, disgusted look with a repulsed response sneering “you’re too young to be using a cane”. I was in complete disbelief and was devastated from his response. Unfortunately, this wasn't the first time people thought I was “faking” my need for using the cane. The manager of the store I was working in at the time thought I was playing a Halloween “prank” or “joke” by walking in using the cane. I was fit to be tied thinking that people thought I was using it for attention. And I’m not even going to mention the scenarios I've had when I used my handicap plate…

Now, I've started to suck it up and tell myself that I need to use the cane for my own good. If I use the cane then I have to deal with the societal views and attention but if I don’t use it then I can be in extra pain for hours. So I ask myself, what’s worse? Depending on my emotional situation at the time, believe it or not my answer varies. It may be hard for some people to understand and some might say that this describes them perfectly. I know a lot of people who debate this if it’s a pillow, blanket, cane, crutch, or wheelchair. They just don’t have the energy to deal with it. However, some days I just say to myself “F*** it, I don’t care”. Those days I have the energy to prepare myself for being questioned or just plain stares. My personal experiences probably influence my views but I’m tired of continuously standing out because of my age.

I would often hide the cane or wheelchair when I took pictures because I felt ashamed. Recently I've been learning not to be ashamed and that I should have enough self-confidence to be able to be photographed with whatever I need at the time. I don’t want to make it sound like it was easy for me to do because it hasn't been. Sometimes I would have what seemed like an internal mental breakdown. But, it always makes me feel better when my friends tell me that “I own the cane” in my pictures. ;)