As I start writing my blog, I have a large list of things I'd like to write about and I
contemplate where to start. I've had FAVA for over 8 years now and it has impacted my life in a countless number of ways. I fully understand and accept that everyone has their own unique opinions and beliefs and may not share my personal beliefs and that some of my strategies may not be best for everyone since every FAVA case is different. However, my intention is to share my experiences, struggles and strategies with others in no particular order. Probably the largest struggle I deal with on a daily basis is the feeling that I
call false hope - that one day this illness will disappear in my life for good.
Every treatment and
every surgery I've had leaves me with the hope that this may be the last one
and that I might never have to stay another night in this hospital that is
unfortunately so familiar to me. Likewise, my doctors hope this as well and try
to provide me with treatment options to prevent the FAVA from growing back. Point being, I get these notions in my head that "This is it! I'm
done!" and that I can shut the book and never look back. The unfortunate
thing is that I always have to reopen
the book even when it's the most inconvenient, and when I do, I have find where
I left off. Looking back on the past has always been a large struggle because
it forces me to remember what I've always wanted to forget: the disappointment,
pain, stress, fear, unwanted thoughts, self-doubt, flashbacks, nightmares and anxiety that comes along
with my case of FAVA. People always say "have hope, maybe this is it" -
but I feel like there's a thin line between being realistic and being positive.
I find it important to ask yourself, it is realistic to believe that it won't
come back? If not, how are you protecting yourself from these feelings of fear,
anxiety, self-doubt, etc if you're in denial of the chronic aspect of
FAVA? How do you really cope with these recurrences?
I bring up these
questions because multiple times in the past I have told myself to close the
book and forget about it because I don't want to be reminded of the physical and emotional pain that I've endured. But I
found that finding myself again and again before and after all of these
procures is more emotionally and physically draining than accepting the chronic
nature of the illness. But how do you accept FAVA as a part of your life? How
do you come to terms with it? Unfortunately, I'm still searching for an answer
myself and I don't believe there is an easy answer to this question. However, I
feel like it starts by not closing the book and by searching through the table
of contents instead.
Although having hope
for a "cure" in the future is important to maintain, understanding
and recognizing that a cure might not happen in my near future has helped me
mend my emotional scars with FAVA. Instead of solely praying that it will magically
disappear from my life, I'm searching to find healthy ways to prepare myself
for the unexpected in the future. Although, I wish one day there will be no
need to prepare myself due to a finding of a "cure", I recognize that
for the time being I need to be realistic with how FAVA impacts me. I hope one
day I can feel comfortable laying down this book, my journey with FAVA, wide
open on the table with open arms for everyone to read and most importantly,
with my acceptance. I hope you all enjoy reading my blog. :)
-Becca
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